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It’s 8:39pm. My husband left the house just over 13 hours ago. At this exact moment, I don’t know how I will survive this. That’s selfish and loaded with privilege, I know. But I just spent the last 15 minutes screaming like a lunatic. I admit, I have never been the most patient person and my 5-years-olds know how to push me like no other. We all just expressed our feelings of frustration with each other, apologized and then I kissed them and retreated to my room to be alone in the dark.
And here I sit. Really really afraid. I’m so afraid that this time will bring me back to my first three years of motherhood. I knew going into this that I was going to have to be very deliberate about choosing love as a guide, but I’m having a really hard time keeping the fear from creeping in. This social distancing, school closing, public pandemonium and uncertainty about everything comes with its own ugliness. Add in the thought of reliving the most difficult time of my life – it's terrifying. In so many ways this feels like going back to being a stay at home mom of triplets with a husband who was gone for 12 hours a day. So much like it.
Those days as a new mom of triplets were the darkest days of my life. There are no words that I can come up with to explain the difficulty and emotional mayhem I experienced. I am terrified of finding myself there again. I am afraid of the anxiety and depression. Isolation is not a pretty place. I’m afraid to feel the horrible things that I’ve felt, that I’ve had to work really hard at letting go.
I am stronger now. I’ve grown and I’ve healed. I am going to try really hard to hold onto that.
I have to challenge myself to focus on the beautiful moments in this time and not the difficult ones. I am going to push myself to make the most of this and be mindful of my privileges, my blessings and the journey I've been on.
Today, got the best of me. It did. It’s been a long, challenging and frustrating day. Stupid moments of guilt and shame came up a few times. I let them. But I’m sitting here in reflection, reminding myself that they aren’t helpful. They aren’t productive. And they aren’t necessary.
I’m going to do my best. I know that’s all I can do. What I’m going to do differently this time is pay closer attention. I’m not going to forget myself again. I’ll remember to take care of myself. I’ll remember that this is only temporary and that it’s only a circumstance. And that I do have the power to choose how it affects me.
Solidarity my sisters. We are in this together.